Least Black Metal magazine since Highlights for Children

It's not so much that there's a lot wrong with "fixed-gear culture," it's just that there isn't much that's right. For example, this magazine cover has only two things about it that are actually black metal: the photograph is taken at dusk (presumably) and it is taken in the woods. Everything else is subject to a horrible critique, but today, I'll focus on the 100% lack of ambition with the bike in the photograph.

Reasons why the bike is about as black metal as this one:

• It doesn't look GRIM - I've seen some terrifying bikes before. It's hard to describe what makes a bike grim, but it definitely does not incude a straight handlebar, silver components, skinny slick tires, and a Knog frog light on the seatpost. 
• There is a lack of spikes, studs, horns, corpses on it - Yeah, the bike is blood red, but red is only dark when it's used in moderation. A bike is much more terrifying when it's all black with traces of red, and even then red it can still look silly. Try welding on some spikes or knife blades or bleached bones from road kill. Do something that makes me not want to touch it or live on the same block as it. 
• There is a time and a place for wire-spoke rims - Just make sure the nipples, spokes, and hubs happen to be all black or else they look like tinsel and glitter, floating around the frame.
• A straight bar, really? - You know, "GRIM" and "uncomfortable hipster-bar" are eponymous terms. Honestly, though, at least he didn't put tassels on it, so I guess it's only 95% as black metal as a little girl's handlebar.
• Disregard of religious issues - I know you fixters like your bike "clean" with no braze-on or anything that could remotely be useful, but you can at least learn to glue an effin' anticross where the headbadge should be. Or, if blatant rejection of god isn't your thing, maybe try attaching a few Nordic runes, or maybe using Mjolnir as an integrated seatpost and saddle. If you're going to pretend to be black metal, at least pretend to give a damn about the political concerns (such as a return to pre-Christian culture).
• It's not photographed in a GRIM way - The photographer and art director above are lucky they aren't in critique with me. I'd let them know a lot about how far short they've fallen.
  

There are probably a hundred other issues with the photo above that I won't get into, or haven't noticed. Listen to a Wolves in the Throne Room album in the dark, then look at the image again, and they will make themselves apparent. Please try not to stab your computer out of anger.